


fractured

by mindelan



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 03:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4375916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mindelan/pseuds/mindelan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Garrus hadn’t been aware just how close Shepard was to breaking until after Thessia falls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	fractured

“Shepard.” 

Shepard covers her head with the pillow. “What, Garrus? I’m trying to sleep here.” 

“Are we really not going to talk about what happened down there?”

She freezes, then sits up, turning to face him. “Why? What’s the point? We both know what happened.”

Her eyes are red and her hands are shaking, even now, hours after. Garrus reaches out to steady them, and she doesn’t pull away.

“I wasn’t there, Shepard,” he responds quietly. “The only things I know are what you said during the briefing.” 

“Yeah, _well_ ,” her hands clench into fists. “There’s a good reason for that.” 

“Care to enlighten me?” 

“No.” 

“ _Shepard_.”

She shoves his hands away from hers and glares. “Look, it was _hell_ down there, okay? I fucked up. Happy? I don’t want to talk about it.” 

His mandibles are flat against his jaw as he frowns. “It’s not healthy to bottle all this up. Chakwas has been telling you that for _years_.”

Shepard groans, and lays back down, her head hitting the pillow hard. “What are you, my doctor? I’m perfectly healthy. Except for the concussion, but -- “ 

“And the dislocated shoulder.” 

“That too.” 

Garrus leans back against the headboard, folding his hands in his lap. Seeing Shepard like this is unsettling. He knows the calm, cool Commander is only a face she puts on for the crew, but it hurts him to see her like this. 

It hurts him to see her breaking, even if she won’t admit it. If she keeps bottling up everything, one more mission gone sour will _shatter_ her. 

And even he won’t be able to pick up all of the pieces. 

So he persists. He’ll pester her with questions until she opens up, even if it’s annoying or irritating, because there’s no Shepard without Vakarian, and there’s no Vakarian without Shepard. 

The room is quiet when he finally breaks the silence. “Thessia wasn’t a failure, Shepard, no matter how much you’d like to think it was.” 

“Oh?” she comments drily, an arm over her eyes. “Then what would you call it?”

He’s quiet again while he thinks. “I don’t know. But it wasn’t a failure.” 

This time she laughs. It has no humor in it, and it echos off the metal walls in her quarters. “Right. You weren’t there. We didn’t get what we came for and thousands of people died. But that’s not a failure to you.” 

“ _Everyone_ messes up, Shepard! You’re not perfect!”

“But I _need_ to be!” She sits straight up, eyes blazing. Her scars glow an eerie red, and she looks as if she’s ready to tear him apart. “The fate of the whole fucking galaxy is resting on my shoulders. _My_ shoulders, Garrus, and nobody else’s! If I’m not perfect, people die.” 

Her hands are fisted into the blankets around them as she continues, deliberating not looking at him. “Thessia was a _failure_. We didn’t get the artifact and we couldn’t save anyone. And here we sit,” her voice has dropped down to a dangerous low, “safe and sound, while the Reapers destroy the galaxy.”

Garrus swallows, reaching for her shoulders. The wildness in her eyes worries him. “Shepard -- “ 

“Get away from me!” she snaps, batting his hands away and climbing out of bed. She stands a few feet again, hair tousled and panting heavily. “You want to know what Thessia was like, Garrus? I’ll tell you what it was like.”  

He stays silent. 

“I brought _Liara_ to watch her people die. I have no idea who survived. All her friends and family could be fucking dead right now and I have no idea how to comfort her. I’m supposed to save everyone, not let them _die_.”

She stalks off to her fish tank to glare at her fish, clencing her fists so hard that Garrus worries she’s going to hurt herself. He moves to stand a few feet away from her, but she doesn’t acknowledge his presance. 

“I heard them, over the video comms. They couldn’t hear me, but I heard them die. I can’t sleep, no matter how hard I try. Every time I close my eyes, I hear her voice and I see her planet getting destroyed and no matter how much I wanted to help, I couldn’t. Couldn’t do _anything_. I have never felt more _useless!_ ” 

She pounds her fists against the glass, scaring away any fish near it. A few seconds later, she rests her forehead against the tank, letting her hands fall back to her sides. 

“Why didn’t you bring me along, Shepard? I could have _helped_.” 

“Because I didn’t want you to get _hurt_!”

It’s his turn to clench his hands into fists. “I can take care of myself. I was just fine before I joined your crew, remember?” 

“Oh, right,” she sneers. “I remember, _Archangel_.” 

He flinches away, and takes a step back. Her words linger in the air, and Shepard takes a deep, shuddering sigh. 

“Have you ever seen a whole planet burn, Garrus?” Her voice is quiet when she speaks again.

He coughs uncertainly, wondering if she’ll lash out against him again. “I have, yes.” 

She turns, startled, as if she had forgotten that. He takes this opportunity to interject quietly, “I know what you’re going through, Shepard. Palaven’s burning right now and people are dying. I don’t know if my family is still alive or not. Sometimes I feel so _useless_ just sitting around when I could be fighting for my home planet.” 

He takes a few more steps towards her and opens his arms. “So, yes, Shepard, I know what it feels like to watch people die and know that you can’t save them.   I know what you’re feeling right now.” 

“You don’t,” her voice cracks, but she steps into his arms. “You don’t know, Garrus. Nobody does.” 

“Well, maybe not,” Garrus amends, wrapping his arms around her tightly, careful of her shoulder, and placing his chin atop of her head. “But I’ll be damned if I don’t help you through it, Shepard. We’re in this together.” 

Her voice is so quiet that he almost misses it. “Yeah.” 

“We’ll get through this. Me and you. I promise.” 

He can tell that she doesn’t believe him -- never has, and probably never will -- but by the way she wraps her arms tighter around him shows that she appreciates the notion nevertheless. 

After a few minutes, she breaks away. She wipes her face with a shaky hand, and gives him a small smile. 

“I’m -- sorry. For what I said.” 

He places his hands on her small shoulders, and wonders what the weight of the galaxy must feel like, wishing he could share some of her burden. “Already forgotten.” 

“But they’re not,” she says. “I was an ass. I’m sorry.” 

“I forgive you,” and adds with mandibles flaring, “as long as you promise to talk to me about missions that you don’t bring me along to.” 

_Because I don’t know if my heart can handle seeing just how close you came to shattering anymore. Please._

She frowns, but agrees regardless. “Fine.” 

Garrus lets out a relieved breath. “Thank you.”

“This never happened,” she tells him over her shoulder as she climbs back into bed. “You tell no one.” 

He chuckles, and follows her back. “Wouldn’t dream of it, Commander.” 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all for reading! hope you enjoyed!


End file.
